


Firedancer

by LadyEkaterina



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: F/M, Gallavich Endgame, Little bit of angst, M/M, lots of other stuff which I haven’t figured
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 10:11:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21242408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyEkaterina/pseuds/LadyEkaterina
Summary: After Ian breaks up with Mickey, Mickey leaves town. No Sammi subplot in this universe.





	1. Who will save your soul

**Three years ago.**

_“There’s too much wrong with me”_  
_ Ian’s face was wet with tears, but his voice was resolute._  
_“That’s the problem.”_  
_“I love you.” Mickey tried not to cry._  
_“The hell does that even mean?” _  
_“It means we take care of each other. It means thick and thin, good times, bad, sickness, health, all that shit." _

_ _ __ _ _

Mickey shook his head again.  
"You all right, kid?"  
The truck driver looked over at him.  
"Yeah. M'fine"  
Mickey pulled himself together and sat up, arms folded around his guitar

_“So this is it. You’re breaking up with me?” _  
_“Yeah.” _

Mickey finally allowed himself to let go once he was settled in the cheap motel. He'd gone over and over what had happened, what Ian had said, what he had said, what he could have said. He’d sat silently in each car and truck he’d hitched a ride in, holding back the tears while reliving that day again and again. Now he’d paid for the night n this grubby motel, he’d drawn the curtains and locked the door. Mickey breathed out and let the sobs come.

Some hours later, he’d finally cried himself dry. He sat up and went to the cracked and stained bathroom to wash his face. He sat on the end of the bed. He needed a smoke. And something to eat. And a drink. He pulled a bottle of Jack Daniels out of his bag and put it on the side. He’d noticed a snack machine along the corridor, so he pulled his hoody around him, checked his cash situation and went to find it. He could have a smoke on the way.

Once back in his room, Mickey sat with his bottle of Jack Daniels and his guitar. As the night went on his fingers became numb but the feelings flowed easier. And by 4 am he had the beginnings of a song. He woke up when the midday sun shone straight through the crack in the curtains, the empty bottle beside him, his guitar still in his hands. He sat up, rubbed his eyes, blinked blearily around him and noticed the torn pages from his notebook all around him. He gathered it up And looked through, before bundling them up, scrawling “Firedancer” on the top and stuffing it in his bag.  
Mickey showered and dressed before checking his bag and heading out to the road. He had a long afternoon hitching ahead of him.  
That night he slept in the bus station but by the end of the next day he was in California.  
He found a spot in a park and got his guitar out, gave it an experimental strum and launched into one of his favourites, Green Day's 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams'. It only took one verse before he first ching of coins hitting his guitar case. A few songs later and he had notes amongst the coins. a few hours later and he had enough for a bed at a cheap motel for the night some food and another bottle of jack. He went to a food van, picked up a burger and some fries and went to his room. He opened his bag to get out some clean underwear and shirt for the next day. There it was. The photograph he had hummed an ha-ed about bringing. The picture of Ian. He stared at it before gently stroking the hair.  
"G'night Firecrotch. I hope you're happy"  
Then he opened his bottle and drank half before passing out on the bed.  


When Ian had first discovered that Mickey had skipped town, he had assumed he’d be back in a few days. He waited and finally went knocking on the Milkovich door. Svetlana answered the door and glared at him.  
“You.” She snarled.  
“Is Mickey here?”  
“No. You make piece of shit husband leave. Now Yevgeny has no father. Because of you.”  
“He’s gone? Do you know where he is?”  
“No. And I would not tell you anyway. He is better off without Orange Boy breaking his heart again and again.”  
Ian’s face dropped.  
“Is .... is Yev OK?”  
Svetlana’s eyes narrowed.  
“I think you have done enough to this family. Go away.”  
Ian walked away with his head hung. He went home and wouldn’t speak to anyone, just got into bed. Thus began a depressive episode that lasted for 6 weeks. That was when his mom came home. The force of nature that was Monica blew into the Gallagher house, destroyed all Fiona’s routines and attempts at normality and just as suddenly took off. With Ian in tow.  
There followed a couple of months with Ian turning tricks for cash and drugs for the two of them, before Ian finally got fed up with his mom’s selfishness and having to support the two of them so he left. Ian isn’t entirely sure what happened then, he vaguely remembered an endless stream of drugs, men, drink and more men before he passed out in a doss house near boys town. 

The family had been searching for Ian for weeks. They sat round the table to pow wow.  
“I saw Svetlana in the shop” said Debbie. “She said Mickey left a couple of months ago. She didn’t know where though.“  
“So he persuaded Ian to join him?” Fiona was panicking. “Fucking Milkoviches.”  
She looked at Lip.  
“Can you get in touch with Mandy?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“Well can you try?”  
Lip nodded.  
“I’ll try after this”  
“Ok I’ll go down to boys town later.”  
“All right Fiona.”

Lip paced in his bedroom staring at his phone. He knew he had to call her. If anyone would have an idea where Ian and Mickey might go, it’d be Mandy. He took a deep breath and made the call.

“Hullo?”  
“Er. Hi Mandy it’s Lip.”  
“I know. What do you want.”  
“I wouldn’t call, Mandy if it wasn't serious. It’s about Ian.”  
“OK.”  
“Mandy he’s gone. And so is Mickey. But Ian hasn’t got his meds or his prescription. Mickey won’t be able to cope if Ian has an episode.”  
Mandy was silent.  
“Mandy?”  
“You think Ian has run away with Mickey.”  
“Well yeah. It’s the sort of thing your brother would suggest.”  
“You condescending fuck.” Mandy’s voice was venomous.  
“Ian hasn’t run away with Mickey. Ian dumped Mickey because he wanted Ian to take his meds.”  
“Wait... what?”  
“Yeah. Your precious little brother, who by the way is a cheating porn star, disappeared for days and then came back to dump him. So no they’re not somewhere together.”  
Lip was reeling.  
“Shit Mandy. I didn’t mean”  
“Yeah you did. We know what your family think of us. But Mick loved Ian. Probably still does. Ask Kev at the alibi about Yevgeny’s christening.”  
“Fuck. You were my last hope”  
“Look if he’s off his meds, he’s probably somewhere in boys town. He’s a very attractive red head. He’ll be very popular.”  
Lip sighed. “Yeah, thanks Mandy”  
Mandy sighed audibly. “Will you text me to let me know when you find him?”  
“Of course. Bye Mandy.”  
“Bye Lip”  
That evening Lip was sat in the Alibi nursing a beer. Kev came over in good bar man style.  
“Penny for them Lip.”  
Lip looked up.  
“Did something happen here during Mickey’s sons christening?“  
“Do you mean the brawl?”  
“Probably. What was it about?”  
Kev sighed. “Ian was here. He was being a bit weird to be honest and Mickey was torn between him and his wife and then Ian got his coat on and was leaving when suddenly, Mickey stands up, calls for silence and announces to everyone that he’s gay.”  
“Fuck!”  
“Yeah. Terry was here so you can imagine how that went down.”  
“Brawl?”  
“Brawl. Mickey and Ian were lucky not to get arrested. Terry kinda grabbed the cops attention.”  
Lip nodded. So Mickey stood up to his psychopathic father for Ian. That’s what Mandy had meant. Fuck.  
He finished his drink and went home. As soon as he opened the door Fiona was there.  
“Well?”  
Lip shook his head.  
“You sure she’s not covering for them?”  
“Positive. Fiona, they aren’t together.”  
“Dammit.”

Ian woke up to find himself in hospital. He was covered in cuts and bruises and he hurt all over.  
“Welcome back.”  
Ian turned towards the nurse who was fiddling with his chart.  
“Huh?” His voice sounded croaky and his throat was sore.  
The nurse moved to his side and offered him a drink from a beaker.  
He took a few sips. That felt better.  
“Thank you.”  
You’re welcome, “ she paused dramatically and nodded to him.  
“Ian” He said “Ian Gallagher”  
“Well then you’re welcome Ian Gallagher”  
And that had led to Fiona and Lip coming to the hospital, and Fiona cried and told him that Monica had died. On their way, Lip had texted Mandy

**He's been found. He's in a bad way but he's going to be OK. **

Half an hour later he had a reply.

** Thanks for letting me know, **

Lip started and deleted a text several times. But he knew he had to.

** I spoke to Kev. I'm sorry. We didn't know. Is Mickey OK? **

This time he got a reply straight away.

** I don't know :( **

Ian was transferred to the psych ward for another psych evaluation and got a new prescription. Finally he’d been allowed to come home, where he’d gone back to his childhood room and that’s when it first happened. The pain in his stomach. So harsh as to cause him to double over. Mickey was gone. Ian curled up on the bed, holding in the scream,  
The next few months, Fiona wouldn’t let him out of her sight, unless he was monitored by another Gallagher. It was intrusive and suffocating, but Ian didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore. Mickey was gone. And no one cared.

Jeff was meandering through the park when he heard the guitar. He followed the sound to a small group watching a young man. He stood for a couple of minutes trying to figure out the song. He heard the chorus  
“Who will save your soul, after those lies that you told, boy?”  
Jeff was surprised. Jewel wasn’t an artist he expected to be covered by a tattooed young man, and certainly not sung with such pain and heartbreak. But he had to admit it was good. The song finished and a number of people threw notes into his guitar case. Mickey looked down, smiled and launched into a version of Paint It Black. Jeff was impressed. He’d not seen anyone with this talent for a while. There was a rawness about him. And he was good looking too. He had a draw. There was a gaggle of teenage girls around gazing, giggling taking pictures and videos with their phones. Jeff watched them. Yes, this young man certainly knew how to attract. The Rolling Stones song ended and the man was scooping up his earnings. And packing up his guitar.  
Jeff walked over.  
“Hi”  
Mickey looked up to see a tall man, slicker back blonde hair, smartly dressed, standing in front of him.  
“Yeah?”  
“Could we have a chat? I have a proposition for you?”  
“I usually don’t let anyone fuck me until they’ve bought me dinner.”  
Jeff was shocked and blushed red.  
“Oh no. No. Not like that I’m not..... i mean it’s fine if you are.... but I’m not....”  
Mickey smirked at him.  
“Relax, man. I was just messing with you.”  
“Oh. Right. Ha ha ha.”  
“What do you want?”  
“Why don’t I buy you a drink?”  
Mickey looked the man over. He was pretty confident he could take him in a fight if it came down to it.  
“Yeah. All right.”  
They went to a small bar nearby and Jeff bought a couple of beers. Jeff was good at his job and Mickey found himself talking about musicians, songs and even admitting that he’d written songs before. Jeff was feeling very pleased with himself.  
“What’s your name?”  
“Mickey”  
“Hmm. Mind if we change it?”  
“Nope”  
“What’s your full name?”  
Mickey looked down  
“Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovich”  
“Blimey that’s a mouthful!. Russian?”  
“Ukrainian.”  
“Hmm. Ok...” Jeff was googling on his phone.  
“How about Misha?”  
Mickey tried it on for size.  
“That could work.”

By the end of the second beer, Mickey had agreed to let the man be his manager. Hell, sounded like it might even make some money.

“You got a place to stay?”  
“I’m staying at the Willows.” Well it wasn’t a complete lie. If he made enough cash he would be staying there tonight.  
“That dive? OK I’ve got a pool house. You can stay there.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I think we can both make a lot of money. But not if you’re murdered in your bed.”  
“Fair enough.”  
Mickey nodded. The man had a pool house. He definitely knew something.  
“You got any stuff?”  
Mickey pointed at the back pack and his guitar.  
Jeff laughed and mentally added ‘take Mickey shopping for clothes’ to his to do list.  
“Right then - come on.”  
Mickey followed him out, bemused.  
The ‘pool house’ was more of a holiday cottage. It had a small kitchenette and a shower room, and a large studio room. Mickey and Jeff spent several weeks going through Mickey’s repertoire and figuring out his style. Jeff wasn’t an idiot, he knew he wouldn’t get the charisma if he made Mickey feel uncomfortable. A gothic punky style would juxtapose nicely with the romantic acoustic guitar and rough melodious voice.  
The result was Misha. A sexy, heartbroken kid who used music to soothe the soul. And the audiences lapped it up. Misha would play a mix of his own stuff and his take on some famous tracks. He would never sing Firedancer, though. Even thinking about Ian still made his eyes fill up. He wasn't ready to share that pain with anyone.


	2. So sweet with a mean streak

** 12 months ago **

Jeff had brought some musician pals along to watch Misha play. They all agreed the man had talent. Carolyn was looking positive predatory.  
“He’s cute. Single?”  
“I don’t think you’re his type, Car.” Jeff laughed.  
Carolyn looked surprised.  
“Gay?”  
“I’m not sure”, admitted Jeff. “But I think so”  
“Well could you ask?” Insisted the dark haired woman. “He is quite yummy.”

She wasn’t the only one who thought so either. Misha often had small groups gathered outside the stage door waiting for him. Mostly girls but a few emo fellers too. Jeff had never seen him show the slightest interest in any of them. 

“Jeff, have you put him in a studio yet?”  
Tam, session drummer brought Jeff back to the music.  
“Tomorrow, Tam. Fancy it?”  
“I’d like to work with the man, but I can’t tomorrow. Next week?”  
“Sounds good to me.” Carolyn put in and the others all nodded.  
“Excellent. I’ll call you”  
Jeff smiled to himself. He’d known Misha was good. But it’s always nice to have backup.  
Carolyn watched Misha as he sang a version of “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”  
“You should get him in the studio alone tomorrow” she pondered. “But I may bob over, just to have a listen.”  
Jeff shook his head. “Fine but I ain’t paying you to gawp.”  
“Oh off the clock Jeff.”

The next day Jeff took Mickey into his recording studio. Mickey looked around. He had kinda known Jeff was out of his league money wise but this was something else. A large fully equipped studio. Jeff smiled at Mickey’s wide eyes.  
“Ok you go in there and get yourself set up. When you’re ready, put the headphones on and let’s see what you sound like on tape.”

Mickey spent the day in the studio and Jeff was thrilled with the result. After lunch he was playing back the tracks when Carolyn dropped in. Mickey liked her. She was funny and down to earth. He went back in to play a few more tracks and when they were finished, he stayed in the studio with Carolyn chatting.  
“So I wanna know. Are you straight or gay or other?”  
“I’m fine how are you Carolyn” replied Mickey laughing.  
“Hey don’t ask, don’t get.”  
“OK I’m gay. Is that a problem?”  
“Oh no. Just disappointing.” She smirked at him.  
Mickey laughed again  
“Sorry!”  
“I’ll get over it.”  
She pulled out a flask and offered him a shot.  
“So what’s your story?”  
“Me? Oh it’s the old story. Boy comes from abusive home. Falls in love with boy. Boy is dumped for trying to get other boy to get well. Boy leaves town. You must have heard it a million times before.”  
“Fuck. You ever written any songs about it.”  
“One. How d’you know?”  
She looked at him. “I’m a musician Mish. And pain makes art. Can I hear it?”  
“Um OK.”  
Mickey went back into the studio and picked up his guitar. After a thought, Carolyn set the recording going.  
He hadn’t played Firedancer for months but the melody seemed imprinted on his fingers. 

Carolyn heard the raw emotion in the song. It was good she knew. After he’d finished, she quickly wrote “Misha” on the CD and slipped it behind the equipment. She pressed the mic and said.  
“Misha, that was something else. Gave me chills. Come on. I’m gonna buy you and Jeff dinner.”

After that session, Carolyn started joining Mickey and Jeff more and more. Jeff watched Carolyn with an edge of concern. He knew his friend of old and how she fell for the wrong people. Misha was going to be the wrong person.

Ian had been home some months when Fiona talked him into coming and working for her at Patsy’s, bussing tables and the like. Ian shrugged, might as well. Would help him pass the time.  
The job was dull, repetitive and badly paid. And Ian was fine with that. He wandered through his days in a grey haze. After a few weeks he struck up a conversation with a young man, Trevor. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn’t his family. Trevor wanted more but Ian just wasn’t interested. He used his meds as an excuse, but the fact was Trevor just didn’t turn him on.

One day he saw Iggy Milkovich walk past and he put down his tray and rushed outside. He chased after Iggy and caught him after a few mins.  
“Iggy”  
The blond turned and Ian was shocked by his face, it was cold.  
“Gallagher.”  
Ian took a step back.  
“Mickey.....”  
Iggy cut him off.  
“I don’t know where the fuck he is and even if I did I wouldn’t tell you. I’ve lost my little bro and my sister, both cos of fucking Gallaghers”  
“I know. I’m sorry.”  
“Yeah? You remember what we wanted to do with you when we though you’d hurt Mandy? Well I know you hurt Mickey. What on Earth makes you think standing here is a good idea.”  
Iggy rubbed his eyes.  
“You broke my baby brother, man. After everything he went through for you. Just.... Just fuck off Ian.”  
Iggy turned then and walked off, faster than before.  
Fiona appeared at Patsy’s door  
“Ian! What the fuck?”  
Ian walked back to her.  
“You left a tray full of dirty plates in the middle of the restaurant.”  
“Yeah. Sorry Fiona” Ian intoned.  
“What was so urgent?”  
“I saw Iggy.”  
“Milkovich? What the fuck d’you want to talk to him for?”  
“Mickey....”  
“Mickeys gone and thank goodness. Now you can be home and looked after, properly.”  
Ian said nothing just pushed past her to get his tray.  
That evening Fiona sat with Lip on the porch.  
“I mean can you fucking believe it? Iggy Milkovich? What was he thinking?”  
“Uh...”  
“So I told him that Mickey was gone and we were all better off.”  
“Huh.”  
“What, Lip”  
Lip was remembering his conversations with Mandy and Kev.  
“Nothing. Just that there’s stuff we don’t know about! Fi. Stuff between the two of them. “  
“What stuff”  
Sighing, Lip told her what Mandy had said and how Kev had confirmed it.  
“He cheated? Ian cheated?” Fiona had tears in her eyes.  
“Yeah. More than once, I reckon.”  
“And Mickey stood up to Terry?”  
Lip laughed. “Yeah. The way Kev tells it, Terry was out to kill the two of them.”  
“Fuck, man.”  
“Yeah.”  
Lip lit a spliff and passed it to his sister after taking a long drag.  
“I mean. He’s over Mickey, right?” Fiona sounded less certain now. “He’s got that Trevor.”  
“I don’t know Fiona. I guess so.”  
“Yeah. Yeah he is. He must be.”

Mickey and Jeff put the album together and it made the charts. Suddenly Mickey found he had money. He got a large 3 bedroom apartment and He sent some to Svetlana for Yev. Then he sent Iggy and Mandy plane tickets to join him.  
As soon as Jeff saw Mandy at the airport, his mouth dropped open and his pupils dilated. Mickey nudged his friend and manager.  
“Shut your mouth. That’s my sister.”  
“She’s beautiful.” breathed the awestruck man.  
Mickey laughed.  
Just as the Milkoviches were reunited, a pair of giggling girls came up.  
“Hi. Um Misha?”  
Mickey turned around to see the pair with paper and pen. He turned on his famous smile and took the proffered paper, signed them both with ‘Cheers, Misha xx’ and gave them back to the ecstatic girls. Once they’d gone, Iggy murmured,  
“Fuck man, all that pussy wasted on your gay arse.”  
“Jeff this is my charming brother, Iggy and you’ve already been drooling over my sister, Mandy”  
Mandy thumped her brother and smiled coyly at the red faced man standing next to her brother. He was cute, she thought. Blonde haired blue eyed, tall. And from what Mickey had said he was actually a good guy.

Mickey took them home to his apartment. Once she was settled in she texted Lip

**Hi I’m with Mickey **

** Is he OK**

** Yeah he’s doing really well. Google Misha**

Half an hour later.

** Fuck that’s Mickey? **  


** Yup  
**

** Wow  
**

** Are you going to tell Ian? **  


** I don’t think so. He really lost his shit before but is doing OK now. **

** OK. Then I won’t mention him to Mick. **

** OK. Mandy? **

** Yeah? **

** Are you OK? **

Mandy fingered the business card Jeff had given her and smiled. 

** Yeah thanks Lip. I’m fine. **

Mickey and Jeff were invited to see Carolyn new band. They were enjoying the evening and had had a few beers. Carolyn was good, Mickey thought. Her set was drawing to a close. The lights went down low and Carolyn was illuminated by a single light. She leaned into the microphone and spoke softly.  
“This last one is for someone special. Misha” Mickey’s head jerked up as Carolyn continued.  
“Things could be different”  
Then the well known chords of a song Mickey knew too well began.  
“Jolene Jolene Jolene Jolene, I’m begging of you please don’t take my man”  
As the song went on, Mickey felt the rage climb. He had opened his heart to his friend and here she was using his pain.  
Jeff looked over  
“You OK Misha?”  
“No. Not even close”  
Mickey pushed his chair back and walked out of the club.  
Jeff pulled out his phone to text Mandy

** Hi. It’s me. **

** I know. What’s up? **

** Something weird just happened. Carolyn finished her set with Jolene. Dedicated it to Mickey. He flipped. D’you know why? **

** Yeah. I know. Can you come over? **

** Um yeah sure. Give me 30 mins. **

Mandy dashed off a text to her brother

** Jeff’s coming over. I’m gonna tell him everything. **

Mickey was waiting back stage for Carolyn

“Hi Misha” she beamed. “Did you enjoy the set?” She flung her arms around his neck

“What the fuck Carolyn” he spat pushing her away.

Carolyn looked hurt. 

“I... “ she stammered. 

“You what?” Stormed Mickey.  
“You thought i would enjoy having my life exposed like that?”  
“No! I just thought it might help you get over him. That I could help you.” She moved towards him and touched his face. He jerked away like her hand burned him. Mickey shook his head.  
“I trusted you.”  
“You can” Carolyn implored. And she yelled “I love you”  
But Mickey was already out the door.

Mandy let Jeff in and offered him a drink. They sat in the small living room of the apartment and she took a deep breath. 

They talked for hours. To begin with she told him about Mickey and Ian. About their dad. About Svetlana and Yev. About Ian’s illness. About the breakup. Jeff was silent all the way through.  
Then she told him about her and Ian being best friends. About her and Ian’s brother Lip. about Kenyatta.  
By now she was crying and Jeff was stroking her hair. She told him about Terry and the pregnancy. Jeff s hand tightened into a fist which relaxed as soon as Mandy looked by at him with tearful frightened eyes. Then he knew.  
“I understand if you don’t want to be with me” she said. “But don’t drop Mickey. I’ll go - it’s ok”  
Jeff leaned forwards and cupped her face on his hands.  
“You are the most amazing strong wonderful woman I have ever met” he said staring right into her eyes.  
“I love you. “  
Mandy broke down then, sobbing in his arms. She finally sat up. And smiled at him.  
Jeff then scooped her up in his arms and carried her into her room, shutting the door, firmly.

He was awoken by the slamming of the front door and a drunk voice. “Mandy! Mandy get the fuck out here.”

Mandy woke up suddenly and put her robe on. She opened her bedroom door and looked at Mickey, swaying with a bottle in his hand. 

“Mickey, are you OK?”  
“No I’m fucking not OK, Mandy. It seems today Is fuck over Mickey day.”  
“It’s not like that Mick.”  
“No? You told Jeff about me and Gallagher”  
“Yeah but I had to. He was worried about you!”  
“Great. So now he thinks I’m a complete fuck up.”  
“No I don’t”  
Jeff appeared in Mandy’s doorway.  
“I think you’re amazing. Both of you.”  
“What the fuck man?”  
“I love her Mick. And I reckon she loves me.”  
“I do.” Whispered Mandy.  
“And if that means you want a new manager then so be it. I’ll still have the better deal.”  
Mickey looked at his sister.  
“Mandy? He treat you OK”  
“Yeah Mickey, he really does” she smiled and walked over to Jeff taking his hand in hers.  
Mickey smiled sadly.  
“That’s all right then. You deserve happiness sis.”  
Mandy sniffed. “So do you.”  
“Yeah I think I had my go. Fucked it up didn’t I?”  
Mickey swayed again.  
“M’goin to bed. “  
Mandy and Jeff watched Mickey stagger off into his room. Jeff put his arms on Mandy’s shoulders and dropped a kiss on her neck. She smiled and led him back into her bedroom.

Iggy was messing around near the recording equipment. He found a CD hidden down behind the panel  
““What’s this, man?”  
“Dunno. Probably rubbish”  
Iggy places the disc in the machine and pressed play. After a few seconds the raw sound of Mickey’s voice over his guitar, no amp no nothing. 

Firedancer played through the speakers.  
Mickeys face was was horrified. He leant over and turned off the music.

“Oh man, I’m sorry.“  
Mickey shook his head. “I didn’t know it had been recorded.” He remembered playing the song for Carolyn. She had obviously done it, but why?

Just then they noticed Jeff, leaning against the door.  
“What the fuck was that?”  
“Just some old shit”  
“That was some pure heartbreak. That’s your next single.“  
What? Wait, no.“  
Mickey was shaking his head.  
“Trust me. Play it through?”  
Mickey thought about it. Jeff hadn’t steered him wrong so far. Hearing the chorus again brought back all those emotions and he felt as raw as he had back then. It was as if all that “getting over Ian” had been for nothing. Maybe hearing the thing over and over would finally put an end to it?  
He nodded to Iggy.  
“Play it Igs”  
Iggy cued it up. The song started playing. Mickey turned his head away from his manager and brother so as not to see their faces. That was why he didn’t see Mandy come in. As the second verse came in, she gasped causing Mickey to spin round.  
“Mandy!”  
“Ian!” she whispered.  
“That song’s about Ian!”  
The song ended and Jeff looked at the three family members and knew he was surplus to requirements. He kissed Mandy good bye, mumbled something about seeing her later and left. Mandy was staring at her brother, tears falling down her cheeks.  
“Mickey. What the fuck? You still love him?”  
Iggy looked at her in amazement.  
“You didn’t know?”  
“I don’t know, I thought you were OK. Over it!”  
Mickey looked at his shoes.  
“I try. Every day. Some days I think it’s getting better but...”  
She smiled sadly.  
“What happened between you two?”  
“He hated the meds. Wouldn't take ‘em. Then his mom came home and persuaded him to flush the pills and go on some jaunt. When he finally came back, he said he wasn’t gonna start taking the meds, that they numbed him, And then he dumped me, Mandy”  
“Oh Mick, did... does... did he know? How you feel?“

_“I love you.”_  
_“What does that even mean?”_

“Yeah, he knew."  
Mickey took a deep breath.  
“And then, well there was nothing there for me any more. You'd gone. So I left. I wrote that song in a motel somewhere. It was a rough night.”  
Then Mandy did hug him.  
”He went back on the meds, Mickey. He did some really stupid stuff and finally crashed. He was hospitalised again. And after his mom died, he finally started to take them.”  
”You talk to Ian?”  
“Lip. Not for a while though. “  
“Is Ian OK? Is he happy?”  
Mickey’s voice was desperate.  
“Lip said he'd ‘lost his shit.’ But he was stable now. So, you gonna release it?”  
“I think so. I’m hoping it might help me get over him?”  
Mandy looked at her brother devastated face.  
She got out her phone and sent a text. 

**Just to let you know Mickey’s latest single is about Ian. He never stopped loving your brother. I don’t know what to do.**


	3. Sometimes I wish someone out there would find me

** 3 months ago **

Ian woke up, like he had done every morning for the last two years, feeling like there wasn’t any point to it. He took the tablets by his bed and went through the motions of exercise, shower and dressing. Picking up his phone he saw a text from his.... well his what? Not boyfriend that was for sure. Friend? From Trevor. He sighed and read the message. As usual it was relentlessly cutesy and upbeat. Ian sent back a one letter reply. He supposed he’d see him later after his shift at the cafe. That was OK. Everything was OK. As much as it could be. Like every morning he was hit suddenly with a memory that sent a physical reaction into his stomach.  
_“It means thick and thin....”_  
Ian grabbed the bannister to steady himself and dug his nails into his palms to stop the tears.

Now, he padded downstairs and saw Fiona having a cup of coffee.  
“Morning sweet face” she gave him a huge smile.  
“Hi Fiona”  
“How are you?”  
“I’m OK Fiona”  
What else could he say? I lost the love of my life 3 years ago because my mom poisoned my mind and I was too weak and too stupid to believe in us. I can’t talk about him as you all think it’s a good thing he’s gone. But I lost my soulmate.  
Tears were welling up in his eyes. He turned his face away to avoid Fiona’s probing.  
Just then he heard Debbie’s welcome voice as she ran downstairs. She was singing.

Ian’s head snapped up. The phrasing sounded so familiar.  
“What’re you singing Debs“  
“It’s by a really sexy guy Misha. It’s his new single - it so romantic!”  
“Uh huh.” Ian wasn’t trying not to lose patience. “What’s it called?”  
“Oh! 'Firedancer'.”  
Ian kept his face deliberately still. It couldn't be, could it?  
“Can I put the radio on Fiona?” asked Debbie. “There’s gonna be this interview with Misha in a few minutes.”  
“Course Debs. I gotta go anyway. See you at the restaurant later, Ian?”  
“Yeah, sure, Fiona. Bye”  
Debbie was messing with the radio then she smiled when the song ‘Firedancer’ faded away.  
“So Misha,” enthused the radio presenter. We’ve just heard ‘Firedancer’, your new single. Very different style from your earlier work. And I understand you took some convincing to release it. 

Then Ian heard it. It was him. His voice. It was a voice he’d know anywhere.  
“Yeah, uh, Missy. Mickey drawled. “That song is the most personal thing I’ve ever written and I wasn't sure I wanted to share that”

“Well it has certainly stirred up some emotions here. Jeanette From Dakota says “I felt every painful minute. Just wonderful”, Alison from Illinois texted us saying "That song Firedancer you just played broke my heart" and mishalover on Twitter says “So beautiful. She must have been a very stupid girl to leave you!” I have many many more!”  
She smiled at Mickey. He was blushing and looking down. Then he raised his face, thumbed his nose and said.  
“Man.”  
“I beg your pardon” Missy was startled.  
“Firedancer was.... Is a man.. I’m gay, Missy.”  
It was so matter of fact that Ian couldn’t quite believe he’d heard it at first. But then Missy rallied.  
“Well folks, you heard it hear first. Sorry, ladies it seems he’s not for you!”  
Ian became obsessed with Misha and searched for interviews, downloads of all his songs. He listened to Firedancer over and over and it broke his heart every time.  
He'd just got notification of a new interview and he logged on hungrily.

“Welcome to behind the music with me, Dave Davis. Today I’m here with new rock sensation, Misha. Hi Misha.”  
The camera panned to the guest and Ian gasped. Mickey looked good. Mickey looked amazing. Sexier than ever in black jeans and a black t shirt and a black leather jacket. He was clean shaven and his dark hair slicked back.  
“Hi Dave.”  
“And the song we’re going to talk abut is your new single Firedancer. I understand this song was written about a man in your past.“  
“Uh Yeah. The song was written after a break up."  
"They so often are" chimed in Dave.  
"Yeah. My first love.” Mickey shared a grin with the interviewer knowing the cliche. Well might as well get it out there.  
“Yeah. You can feel the emotion in the song. It feels very raw.”  
“Yeah I wrote it fairly soon after, you know? It was for me. I needed to get the emotions out and that's not something we do where I come from.  
"Yes. Aren't you from Southside Chicago? A rough neighbourhood. Not a good place to be gay."  
"Exactly and I had no plans to release it, you know.”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah had to be talked into it. I thought, I hoped, playing it and maybe hearing it would lessen the pain.”  
“And how it’s that working for you Misha?”  
Dave's face was sympathetic but Mickey knew it was for the viewers.  
Mickey smiled deprecatingly. “Not so you’d notice.”  
"Can we talk about the lyrics?"  
"Um... yeah... sure. I mean the firedancer represents him. What he means to me even now.” He caught himself before spilling everything.  
"A redhead?" Dave winked.  
"Yup. Red hair, green eyes, freckles, the whole thing.”  
"OK and the rest of the song is..." prompted Dave  
"Its all the things I wanted to say at the time. I wanted to yell. He ended things with me because he was ill and he didn't think I understood or wanted to support him"  
"But that wasn't the case?"  
Mickey shook his head.  
"No I loved him. All of him. Not in spite of his illness but with it. It was part of him, and I loved him.  
Mickey smiled sadly and Dave patted his arm.  
“A lost love. Not a new story but perhaps one with more feeling that we're used to.  
That’s Firedancer, the latest single from Misha. Thank you Misha for talking to us behind the music”

Ian rewound the interview and watched it again, staring at Mickeys face, listening to every word, every nuance.

Dave Davis looked over at Mickey.  
"That's a wrap. That was great Misha. The fans'll eat that up."  
Mickey smiled at him. He wondered what Dave would think if he knew that every bloody word was the truth. 

It had been a good show. The crowd had loved Firedancer with just Mickey and his guitar on stage. And he’d finished with a cover of Green Days “Good Riddance”. Mickey was sitting backstage with a beer when a knock came at the door  
"Who is it"  
A reedy voice said quietly  
"Your firedancer”  
What the fuck?  
Mickey flung open the door to see a twink with dyed red hair looking him up and down lasciviously.  
“Fuck off kid. There's only one Firedancer and you ain't him!”  
“But I could be. “  
“Nah, man no you couldn’t”  
The boy moved in and started unbuckling Mickey’s jeans  
"Let me try."  
The young man slunk into the room closing the door with his foot. He pushed Mickey to a chair and got on his knees. Mickey shrugged. He hadn’t been blown for ages. Why not?  
As the young man started to bob his head, Mickey closed his eyes and remembered Ian and his oh so talented tongue. Afterwards the redhead looked up at him adoringly.  
“I’m Kevin.“  
And the spell was broken.  
“Er sure kid”  
“Kevin” he said with a touch of petulance.  
“Whatever. Thanks and all but I’ve got things to do”  
“Oh right” Kevin was disappointed “Will you sign my ticket?“  
“Sure”  
“Could you put “To Kevin Thanks for a great night, Misha”  
“I don’t think so. “  
He scribbled his trademark ‘Cheers, Misha” and handed the stub back to Kevin. Then he buckled his jeans and moved to the door  
“I really do have things to do”  
“Right yeah. See ya.”  
The redhead walked dejectedly out of Mickey’s life.  
Mickey lit up a cigarette and tried to sort through his feelings. Relief at having got off, guilt for cheating on.... Wait what the fuck. He dumped you, Mickey. Nearly 3 years ago. Why are you feeling this now?  
But he knew why. Releasing the single hadn't help put his feelings to bed. They'd just taken them out of storage and shown them to the world. 

Mickey made a decision then. He got his family together, and by now that included Jeff.  
“I wanna go home.”  
Jeff nodded.  
“Mandy and I have been talking.“  
“Mandy went over and held Jeffs hand.  
“I’m gonna stay with Jeff, Mickey.”  
Mickey smiled.  
“I figured.”  
“Jeff I don’t think this is for me any more.”  
“Mandy thought that too”  
“Yeah, she knows me pretty well”  
“Sorry Mickey.”  
“That’s all right sis.” Mickey grinned at her.  
Then he noticed Iggy looking decidedly shifty.  
“Iggy?”  
“I’m staying too Mick”  
“You are?”  
“Yeah, I uh met someone”  
Now everyone was looking at Iggy.  
“Who, man?!”  
“Er, Carolyn.”  
“CAROLYN?”  
“Yeah. She came round the other day and we got talking......”  
“Huh!”  
Mickey looked at his friend and family.  
“Then I guess I’m going home alone”  
Mandy smiled  
“I’ll come back and help you settle.“  
“Depending how long you keep Mandy”, said Jeff. “I’ll be coming over too.”

Mandy’s text to Lip

**Mickey’s coming back to Chicago. Southside. Though you’d want to know.**


	4. Just tell me the song and I sing it

Ian was lying on his bed, head on his crossed arms. As usual his thoughts turned to Mickey. He used to spend his days wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he was OK. Now he knew. Mickey was doing just fine without him. He was rich, successful, out, probably had a string of twink boyfriends. Why on earth would he want anything to do with his lanky bipolar ex? A busboy at a greasy cafe. Someone who still lived in his family home and shared a bedroom with his brothers? He sat up. It was his day off and now he knew what he was going to do. He was going to find Mickey. First things first. Ian put his trainers on and left the house. Then he jogged steadily over to his brother Lip’s apartment. Lip welcomed him in, his baby daughter Dakota in his arms.

“So little bro. What brings you here.”  
“I need your help.”  
“Ok straight to the point. It’s serious.”  
“Yes. Lip, I know where Mickey is.”  
Lip took a deep breath.  
“Okay”  
“Yeah he’s this rock star called Misha. can you believe it?”  
Ian looked over at Lip who wasn’t looking shocked. In fact he was looking decidedly shifty.  
“You knew didn’t you?”  
“Ian..... Mandy....”  
“You knew and you didn’t tell me!”  
“You’d been so ill, Ian, and you never talked about him. You’d moved on”  
“I never moved on!” Ian was shouting now.  
“Every day is a fucking struggle just to get through because he’s not here. Because of what I did. It’s physical pain, Lip. Here!”  
Ian smacked himself in the stomach. His voice had woken Dakota up and Lip was walking around with her trying to soothe the infant. He looked over at Ian, who was crying openly now. All his rage had left him.  
“You knew and you didn’t say. I miss him so much.”  
Lip looked devastated.  
“I didn’t know, man. I thought I was doing the right thing.“  
Ian looked up with red rimmed eyes.  
“What can I do?” Lip asked him.  
“Do you know if he ever thinks about me?”  
Lip thought back to his recent text from Mandy.

“Yeah, Ian. I think he does.”  
Dakota had finally settled and he placed her back in her Moses basket. Went over to his phone and sent a message to Ian.  
“What’s that?”  
Lip smiled.  
“Mickey’s address.”  
Ian got up to leave.  
“Thank you.”  
After Ian had gone, Lip took his phone back out.

**Ian just here. Have given him the address. I hope to fuck you’re right.**

Ian ran home and up to his room. Then he sat on his bed and tried to remember how to breathe. He looked at his watch. It was 2:30. Right. He stripped, went into the bathroom, showered and cleaned his teeth. Then he stood in his bedroom and pulled clothes out of cupboards and drawers. He pulled on his jeans and, after trying on every t shirt in the drawers, finally settled on a three button undershirt and a plaid shirt over. He combed his hair and ran his fingers through it. He pulled on his boots, grabbed his wallet and check the address on his phone. It was surprisingly close. He could walk it.  
Twenty minutes later he was outside the house. Ian looked at the house. It looked similar to his own home. He stood outside for several minutes before deciding to have a walk up and down the street. He was just returning to the front door when it opened and Mandy stood there. Ian stared at her. She looked beautiful, happy, healthy.

She spotted him.  
“You coming in then?”  
“What? How?” Then Ian nodded. “Lip.”  
“Lip.” She agreed.  
As he approached she pulled him in for a hug.  
“I’ve missed you so much but if you hurt him again I’ll kill you.”  
She pulled away, smiling at him, as if she’d just said “How are you”  
“I love him, Mandy.”  
“Then enter. He’s in the kitchen at the back.”  
Ian walked through into a huge open plan living dining room with a well appointed kitchen at one end. Ian walked through the space quietly. He could hear Mickey in the kitchen.  
“OK man, I get that but I don’t want the fucker ..”  
Mickey turned around and saw Ian standing there.  
“Listen, I gotta go. No everything’s fine. I’ll talk to you later, Iggy.”  
He hung up. And stared.  
“Hi Mickey.” Ian almost whispered.  
“Sorry I’m late.”


	5. However far away, I will always love you

“Sorry I’m late”  
Mickey just stared stunned at the redhead facing him. Ian realised than Mandy hadn’t warned him that Ian might come.

Then Mickey seemed to pull himself together.   
“D’you want a cup of coffee?”  
“Um” Ian was flustered. “Sure”  
Mickey poured another cup and handed it to him. 

They sat drinking coffee in silence. Ian taking covert glances at Mickey. He looked good. He looked amazing. All in black with a long brocade waistcoat over his black shirt and jeans. Ian put down the cup and took a deep breath.   
He crossed the room in a few steps to take Mickey in his arms and lowered his head to touch Mickey’s and said the words he knew he needed to say. The words Mickey needed to hear.   
“I’m sorry. I love you. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you. I’m stable. Really stable. I take my meds, every day. But the world is still cold and grey. Because you‘re not there. I love you. Do you think we could start again?”  
Mickey shook his head, sending a wave of devastation through Ian. But then he spoke.  
”We can’t start again, Ian. Because it never ended for me. Never. I tried. I tried so hard. But all that happened was I missed you more.”   
Ian cupped Mickey’s face in his hands and kissed him.


End file.
